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The Diary of a Ginger Hypochondriac

Fear is a Luxury…..but so is insanity

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hypochondria

Am I a CyberChondriac?..i’ll just check the Web..

Screw You...
Screw You...

I have been busy lately with regular visits to my GP. Recently i have been convinced that i have a spinal tumor and that i am not long for this world..in fact probably two months tops.

However,after a full inspection of my spine and shoulder she had now obviously given up on me and told me that i have a “Health Phobia”.

Well,to my suprise she has actually diagnosed me with something…but had now informed me that she will not pander to my requests and has referred me to counselling and some acupuncture. I am pleased that i will now be having needles stuck in me but she said that i will never be cured.

Following this blunt comment i resort to my second best medical informant….THE INTERNET….

I have now diagnosed myself with Cyberchondria..i diagnosed myself with this on the internet…ironic i know…haha

Thanks to the Internet, becoming a hypochondriac is much easier than it used to be.

The easy availability of health information on the web has certainly helped countless people make educated decisions about their health and medical treatment, but it can be disastrous for people who are likely to worry. Hypochondriacs researching an illness used to have to scour books and ask doctors for information. Now a universe of information is available with a few mouse clicks.

“For hypochondriacs, the Internet has absolutely changed things for the worse,” says Brian Fallon, MD, professor of psychiatry at Columbia University and the co-author of Phantom Illness: Recognizing, Understanding and Overcoming Hypochondria (1996)…bollox…

So far, no studies have been conducted on just how hypochondriacs use the Internet, Fallon says. But the phenomenon is common enough to have a snappy name — “cyberchondria.”

So, i now have a snappy illness called cyberchondria….bollox to my doctor i have the world wide web…..but i would still like the counselling Doc..cus im still a Fuck up!!!

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How Not to Aspirate a Pea…..

                                                                                                                                                        Whilst minding my own business in work yesterday, generally surfing theenchepholitis web and sipping at my cold decaf coffee i was told a horrendous piece of information.

A collegue becky told me about the time when she was eating a pea and breathed it into her lung!!!!  To my horror she continued to explain that following this awful pea incident it had indeed got into her lung and she ended up with a serious chest infection.

As i sat panicking , i checked the Internet to ascertain the dangers involved in pea consumption……

It read:

In medicine, aspiration is the entry of secretions or foreign material into the trachea and lungs.

The patient may either inhale the material, or it may be blown into the lungs during positive pressure ventilation or CPR. As the right main bronchus is more vertical and of slightly wider lumen than the left, aspirated material is more likely to end up in this branch or one of its subsequent bifurcations.

So, why worry, its just a small green Vegetable lodged in the lung right??

WRONG……I read further:

If enough material enters the lungs, the patient may simply drown. However, small volumes of gastric acid contents can fatally damage the delicate lung tissue. Even small volumes of aspirated food may lead to bronchopneumonia infection. Chronic aspiration may lead to bronchiectasis and may cause some cases of asthma.

Therefore following this news i feel the need to inform people around the dangers of eating peas and how to avoid such disasters….

These are as follows:

  1. The lungs are normally protected against aspiration by a series of protective reflexes such as coughing and swallowing. Significant aspiration can only occur if the protective reflexes are absent (in neurological disease, coma, drug overdose, sedation or general anesthesia). In intensive care, sitting patients up reduces the risk of pulmonary aspiration and ventilator associated pneumonia.
  2. SO,
  3. DON’T TAKE DRUGS
  4. GO INTO A COMA 
  5. HAVE AN OPERATION
  6. EAT PEAS EVER AGAIN……..

THUS THWARTING ANY DANGER OF PEA ASPIRATION AND SUBSEQUENT DEATH……

Thank you for your time, please click on the following link if you don’t believe me: HOW NOT TO BE KILLED BY A PEA

Shoot me with the Magic Bullet….

pills0011I have learned today whilst trawling through the Internet mindlessly searching for some illness to match with my list of symptoms when i came across an exciting bit of news…

A cheap pill containing a cocktail of potentially life-saving drugs could halve rates of heart attacks and strokes, a major trial has found….

Click Here for Magic Bullet

Hallelujah…..I’m saved……for the cost of 50p a day i could prevent any major illness and therefore live to a hundred.

“It’s a ‘proof of concept’ study that shows the five ingredients do what they should – ie reduce blood pressure, cholesterol and so on”

Its a miracle…sign me up now and give it to me….Among my many pills and vitamins i consume daily i think this pill will be the most easy to swallow….i have already contacted my GP to obtain further information into this life saving little smartie…

However,after reading further down the page i discover that there are many more trials to be done and may not be released for some 5 years……

I am Devastated…how can they possibly justify holding back….how dare they, don’t they realise that there are people who need this now, me more than anyone…I’m at deaths door….

I have now written a letter to my Local MP complaining of the situation and how they are risking my life….50p a day i tell you……..

Not a good day…..i resume my search……

un café décaféiné et pas trop chaud……

 

retro-coffee-funny12I woke this morning normally:

  1. Checked i was still alive
  2. Looked in mirror for any abnormalities
  3. Had a good shower (approx 15mins scrub time)
  4. Checked sky news for any major events
  5. Made a cup of  hot tea……………..

Whilst enjoying my cup of hot tea in front of the news and perusing the morning tabloids i read the headline: “Piping Hot Tea Can Give You Cancer”……….

After dropping my tea and giving myself  Third degree burns i composed myself..reading further i discover…..

“Researchers found drinking tea with a temperature above 70C increased the risk of oesophageal cancer eight-fold. But if you let your cuppa cool for five minutes it should be safe to drink, experts have said”

So following this devastating news and one more blow to my sanity…i find myself  surfing the Internet for any reported fatalities of tea drinking, i also booked  in for another GP appointment to have my mouth and throat inspected, and i have decided to invest in a thermometer (digital).

 I have now switched to coffee on a permenent basis……decaf coffee…..definatly decaf coffee….decaf coffee due to palpitations and twitching…..

If you still fancy and nice cup of hot tea visit: Tea Drinkers BEWARE

“un café décaféiné et pas trop chaud……….one decaf coffee not too hot….”

Funny legs and Wikipedia….

My Body: with some exceptions..
My Body: with some exceptions..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have spent the last few days trying no to touch the small infected creature i live with who currently has chicken pox…however i find myself with a preoccupation this morning with the possibility that i have “restless leg syndrome”.

 

 

 

 

The last few days in bed i have been unable to control my legs moving,i try to relax them but they dont and keep moving,they feel like jelly legs,legs that have decided to play tricks on me, i cannot keep them still….

I manage to make my legs lock up to move to obtain the laptop and the search begins…

 “Restless legs syndrome(RLS, Wittmaack-Ekbom’s syndrome, or sometimes, but inaccurately, referred to as Nocturnal myoclonus) is a condition that is characterized by an irresistible urge to move one’s body to stop uncomfortable or odd sensations. It most commonly affects the legs, but can also affect the arms or torso. Moving the affected body part modulates the sensations, providing temporary relief. RLS causes a sensation in the legs or arms that can most closely be compared to a burning, itching, or tickling sensation in the muscles.”

Having read this : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Restless_legs_syndrome

i don’t feel so bad, its only RLS, however it wasn’t until i scrolled down the page..like a typical hypo…that i find the Possible causes and risks…..

here is where the room went in circles and i began a full blown panic attack…..

“The most commonly associated medical condition is iron deficiency (specifically blood ferritin below 50µg/L[7]), which accounts for just over 20% of all cases of RLS. Other conditions associated with RLS include pregnancy, varicose vein or venous reflux, folate deficiency, sleep apnea, uremia, diabetes, thyroid disease, peripheral neuropathy, Parkinson’s disease and certain auto-immune disorders such as Sjögren’s syndrome, celiac disease, and rheumatoid arthritis.”

After the following actions:

  1. Ten Cigarettes in succession
  2. Four coffees(decafinated,due to palps)
  3. Quick call to NHS Direct (speed dial)
  4. Appointment with GP (emergency)
  5. 2 Bottle of rescue remedy (emergency)
  6. two hours of rocking on floor

I managed to avert any further incidents.

However, i am now convinced that my restless leg syndrome is secondary to some underlying disease in which i have yet to be diagnosed……dam you Wikipedia………………

If i dont sleep i will die……

the20brainDue to a small 3 year old who still has the highly contagious chicken pox virus i find myself sleep deprived…

I have been up all night tending to this sickly child and have had no sleep.

 

According to the latest research:

“Women’s health is much more at risk from sleep deprivation than men”

“The researchers looked at men and women sleeping less than or equal 5 hours a night to see if their risk of having hypertension was any higher than men and women getting the recommended 7 hours or more of sleep a night. Among other problems increased hypertension does increase the risk of cardiovascular problems”

Following this discovery i will be taking these actions:

  • Sell the infected child on EBay to fund New mattress
  • Sell the Boyfriend on EBay so i have the aforementioned mattress to myself
  • Buy 2x Jars of Horlicks
  • Buy Lavender oil x 2
  • Invest in herbal sleep aid for coma induced sleep on the New mattress
  • Sleep during work hours in toilet to catch up on any lost hours of sleep
  • Maintain sleep hours to above 5 hours per day/night

I feel following these vital rules may therefore avert any sleep deprivation crisis thus extending my life…..Alert Now Downgraded to :

No Significant risk

Twitcher……..not Twitter

shish_kebab 

Twitchy Kebabs….

Bad News: My left eye has been incessantly and wildly twitching!

I looked up “eye twitch” online, and I’m apparently suffering from Epilepsy and mild seizures – (good old WebMD). But, I’m trying to be rational, so, I’m dismissing that suggestion and attributing it to something more realistic. I’ve determined that the twitch is being caused by a reckless weekend, that involved too much:

  •  alcohol (10-15 pints of strongbow)
  • Four kebabs (with extra chilli and Garlic)
  • 40 cigarettes (mentol,girly ones)

which resulted in severe damage to the nerve pathways in my brain that control this damn eye!

This is not good, I’ll keep you posted…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Emergency Use Only

 It has just come to my attention, through randomly imagining myself choking to death, that neither I, or more importantly Marc, know how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.

Sure, it seems simple enough, I’ve watched it done in a million movies; but in the event that it’s my life on the line, I’d like to make sure I’m getting the actual Heimlich Maneuver and not the movie version.

http://www.heimlichinstitute.org/default.php

Hence, the link to The Heimlich Institute for proper instructions and easy access during an unexpected choking fiasco.

128734838610795034

*Please note that the Heimlich Maneuver is a registered trademark of The Heimlich Institute, which you must contact for permission of use, prior to performing said technique

OutBreak.!!

ebolaI was woken this morning to find my child with an Outbreak of chicken pox.First i had to find out what the Bio-safety level was it an Ebola outbreak i was dealing with, after ruling out a level 3+4 event…….

 

 

i approached this small infected spotted creature,several thoughts entered my mind,these were:

  1. Have i had chicken pox?
  2. Can i get it again?
  3. What if adults get it??
  4. What about shingles?

These thoughts rapidly replaced any sympathy thoughts i had as a mother with a sick child…mummy i need a cuddle…aaaaaahhhhh……what do i do?

  1. Shall i go near this child and show my love?
  2. shall i first get gloves and possibly a mask?
  3. risk kissing this infected spotted creature and die of shingles and related complications?

Following a consultation at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chickenpox  and http://www.cdc.gov/   i found out the following:

Chickenpox is a highly infectious disease that spreads from person to person by direct contact or by air from an infected person’s coughing or sneezing. Touching the fluid from a chickenpox blister can also spread the disease. A person with chickenpox is infectious from one to five days before the rash appears.

Infection in otherwise healthy adults tends to be more severe and active; treatment with antiviral drugs (e.g. aciclovir) is generally advised, as long as it is started within 24-48 hours from rash onset.Patients of any age with “depressed immune systems” or extensive eczema are at risk of more severe disease and should also be treated with antiviral medication.

In England and Wales, 75% of deaths due to chickenpox are in adults. Inflammation of the brain, or encephalitis, can occur in immunocompromised individuals…………..

Having freaked out to the point where i decided i am immunocompromised, i refused to cuddle or kiss this infection riddled carrier  i decided to take the following precautions:

  1. Contain the creature in its own habitat (lock door)
  2. wear fully protective clothing when in same area(facial mask)
  3. de-contaminate after every encounter (bleach)
  4. Resist the creature cry’s for help and save yourself (ear muffs)

Following this i may have prevented the following Outbreaks:

  • encephalitis
  • varicella pneumonia
  • cellulitis
  • shingles
  • Ebola
  • Lassa fever
  • The Plague
"beware out there.."
"beware out there.."

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